there was a trapeze. enough said
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
