bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
