He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
