She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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