'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
