dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
