everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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