i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
