Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
