I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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