I met the friendliest cop last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
