I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
