a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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