How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
