so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
