the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
