I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
