just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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