i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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