Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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