When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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