my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
