I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
