he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
