Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
