Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
