Need sex. Gaining weight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
