i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
third nipple confirmed
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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