Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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