You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
