I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
