Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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