Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Mom said you looked used
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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