Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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