he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
