Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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