I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
