I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
