I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
