Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i drank out of a bidet.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
