im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
