Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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