i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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