I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
