he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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