Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
