I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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