shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
