pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
