We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
