I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
