I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
