Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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