hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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