Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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